When Is It Appropriate?
I wonder sometimes… when is it right to talk about what you think you know, or what you believe you see? This society doesn’t allow much space for that. Or does it? Guess it depends on a person’s ability to observe accurate truths about humanity, and/or depends on what someone wants to talk about with someone else.
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I saw a trans person once at a sex club. I was recently educated about a thing in the trans community… well, I think I was. I never really want to think of myself as some kind of expert, but I also don’t want to doubt the actual truths and facts that my open mind captures and gathers in my daily life.
I heard this thing, that when a person identifies someone they think or know is trans, they call it a PING. Ha, that’s cute. And I understand it. Because when my gaydar goes off, something also activates something in my brain-space, and I’m like “Hey… I kinda think they’re gay. Cool!” And if I’m attracted to them, I start vibing.
Anyways, I saw someone at a sex club, and I was 99.9999% sure they were trans. I had a PING moment. But it was just one of those days where I wasn’t too keen on going to talk to people that much. So I didn’t approach them. But as the night kept unfolding, I continued seeing this person out the corner of my eye and in random spaces of my vision.
Every time, I felt the same PING go off in my brain… as well as another PING go off in my loins. They were just GORGEOUS and adorable. But I didn’t feel like I was in a balanced space to approach them and talk about the things on my mind and in my heart… it was kinda tragic, actually. I didn’t see them ever again, and they were really sexy and intriguing. It sucks when a special prospect slips through your frisky fingers.
The point of all this is: would it have been appropriate for me to ask? When would it have been okay for me to confess my feelings and what I felt like were my observations? Is it okay to just ask, “Are you trans?” and not feel like one is offending people? I think it should be, but has that been anyone’s personal experience? I know I haven’t exactly had such luck, but it’s because I’ve taken the approach that this information is something that people should reveal on their own time.
People often ask me if I’m gay, straight up. And I’m never offended, but I also wonder: if I WAS gay, would it be appropriate for you to ask me in the first five minutes I know you? I’m sure it’s not a uniform singular answer, and some people would be downright offended by such a question regarding their sexuality, but some people also are very open and proud of their sexual identity, and talking about what can kinda clearly be seen wouldn’t be really such a problem.
Is it okay to ask someone if they are trans, and it not be a problem? I don’t think it should be, but I’m not sure we are there yet. Trans people are still having issues finding bathrooms to pee in! I suppose in some circles, there would be no stigma, and even some pride in being considered trans. But in some other places, not so much.
Ultimately, if I went up to that sexy trans person and said, “Hi there, how are you?” and asked them if they were trans/gay/queer, I wouldn’t have said a word unless I felt like we were getting really comfortable together, and that it was appropriate to discuss. I would also have probably volunteered my sexual identity information as well, and did all I could to build trust and connection with the person I was speaking to.
Whether or not they were trans, all that matters is if we respect each other and can be honest with each other about what we desire, and find beautiful!
In love and solidarity,
Addi Stewart
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