I was talking to one of my partners about sexual fantasies, and he mentioned having a long-standing attraction to transgender women that he had never fulfilled. When I asked him whether he’s tried dating a t-girl or just never met the right one, he told me he was pretty sure trans women weren’t “really” attracted to cis men. Most TS women are more attracted to other trans people, he told me.
This was news to me. It was the first time I’d ever heard this, so I can’t even say it was a stereotype. I didn’t know much about it, so I couldn’t even berate him for a misconception. Is this true?
Surprisingly enough, I found it difficult to source much information on the subject of trans-attracted trans people. I was Skyping with my Latina t-girl friend Miami and asked for her subjective opinion and thoughts.
She said that most transgender women she knows are not specifically attracted to other transexuals the way many cis guys are admirers. But, she added, trans people are sometimes called or self-identify as “gender fluid” or “non-binary” for good reason—they really are more fluid. Many are bisexual, pan sexual, or “unlimited” in that they don’t have a particular orientation but respond sexually to an emotional connection, a possibility of pleasure or adventure, or a particular personality. They may not be closed to possibilities, including sex with other gender non-conforming people.
That said, Miami pointed out that there are cliques and communities of TS girls who turn to each other for sexual gratification and relationships because they are concerned that traditional relationships with cis men (or women) or hooking up with cis folks can be dangerous. To protect themselves from that threat, some TS folks only hook up or connect romantically and sexually with other trans people.
Miami said that my partner may have been mixing up some different information streams, and that he shouldn’t give up on his fantasies. Lots of trans women want love and sex with cis men. She thinks transgender people are diverse and mysterious and that their identities, sexualities, and sexual orientations are fascinating and fluid.
“Some experience their identities and orientations as confusing because we don’t always correspond to the body we are born with, but you can see it as special or mystic,” she said. “If we expected the transgender conundrum to be solved with reassignment surgery, we were just barely tapping into the puzzle. We are not something to be ‘resolved.'” In fact, transition and treatment add to the mystery in a way, because many trans people change their orientation during and after therapy.
In other words, folks who were attracted to men or to women before surgery or hormones changed afterwards. When I researched what she said, I found some fascinating information about studies that show that many transgender people have different attractions and orientations at different stages of their journey.
Miami’s advice to my friend is to take their word for it—there are thousands of trans women online looking for cis men, and online dating can take a lot of the guesswork out of romance. She also suggested that it would be fun to make his dreams come true with all three of us together—maybe I will suggest a romantic trip to Florida!