It seems like a paradox, but it’s not at all uncommon: people are online or out in their communities, looking for love and sex, and then find themselves in a sexless relationship.
How does it happen? Who is to blame? How can it be solved?
What to Do when You’re in a Sexless Relationship
Before labeling your relationship, look at what you and your partner really need.
You might feel that you’re missing out when friends brag about getting laid five times a day, but comparing yourselves to others is foolish.
Some people only fuck after a big argument. Maybe you and your transgender lover are soulmates who never fight and sleep naked next to each other every night but don’t go at like rabbits. Is that really sexless?
Maybe you aren’t getting any action right now because your trans girlfriend is at a painful part of her transition. Maybe you both have a very low sex drive and are happy making love twice a year. Only you and your partner can decide what’s normal for you.
Talk, talk, and talk some more.
If you haven’t discussed the fact that you never have sex, then there’s always an elephant with you in the room. You can be super close and intimate without actually fucking, but not without talking.
Find out what both of you want from each other, and talk through some of the reasons it might not be happening.
If sex is painful or traumatic, find new ways to play.
Just because one kind of sex might be off the table—penis-in-vagina or penis-in-ass sex—doesn’t mean you have to throw out the baby with the bathwater. She might avoid sex because it’s painful or because she doesn’t like to have her penis touched, but if she felt that there was no expectation of going there, perhaps you could both open up and enjoy other ways of release.
Some men avoid sex because of erectile difficulties or other body fears. Could you enjoy just making out and touching without the expectation of orgasm?
If you find out from your heart-to-heart conversations that both of you want sex and miss it, then it’s time to prioritize it again. Life can get busy and other factors can take center stage, and sometimes that’s normal and healthy—we can’t be naked twenty-four hours a day and avoid our responsibilities and friends.
You can get back on track by setting date nights, or having an occasional dress-up date. Put some romance back into your relationship by doing special things together again.
Change your routine.
Relationships become routine, and routines get comfortable. Sometimes sex disappears even when you’re still both madly in love because routine is the enemy of sex. Sex thrives on novelty, excitement, and agitation. If you’re super comfy, it might take the backseat. And maybe familiarity doesn’t breed contempt so much as comfort, and comfort isn’t always sexy.
Find a way back to a bit of mystery and sizzle. Take sex out of the bedroom, or bring new toys or role plays into the arena. Go to a sexy bar or bistro, watch a sexy movie together, make out on the porch before you go inside. Try new new positions. Sharing new experiences together will get things moving in the right direction.
How do you kickstart a sexless relationship? Please share your tips in the comments!