How I Deal with Red Flags in Transgender Relationships

I’m mostly about love and truth and respect and the uplifting of all things transgender here, and that really is the eternal intention! That’s how I think, look, and feel about everyone I share myself with, even those who I don’t agree with on the most serious level.

That said, we all have our boundaries and defense mechanisms for our life situations. I don’t judge anyone’s story, but I do observe events and statements, so I can decide to make my own choices to connect or disconnect from that person.

We all have that option, and should remember that we should wield it with both delicate care and serious force when that moment REALLY and TRULY comes to escape a crashing, burning plane of a relationship—you have to take your parachute, and you have to JUMP out the door, and PULL the ripcord for real!

If you see someone exhibit behavior that is a red flag to you, make your choices to respond how you want, but I don’t turn my eye away from ANYONE’S issues. Whether family, friend, lover, stranger, enemy, BFF, distant cousin, one night stand, gay, lesbian, trans, enby, and asexual, I practice being equally committed to telling the truth to everyone.

If things are really not good with a person, then I make space from them no matter who they are, even if they’re trans. I understand their lives are sometimes some of the most complicated, and even taking into account that transgender folks are the most logically reasoned to keep their identity secret for as long as they need to, they also hopefully do not feel the need to resort to outright deception to get through the days of their life.

I say this because of the the rare circumstance that I have heard of and dealt with in various permutations: someone faking their transgender/sexual/kink/erotic identity. I recently heard a story of a very popular supermodel who worked for a famous makeup company that I will not name, who was unfortunately exposed for faking their assertion that they were trans.

I have seen something that I felt was similar. I knew a trans person who was with another non-binary person I formerly had a deep relationship with. The first trans person said they were a dom, but upon the first two dates they had together, the non-binary lover of mine came to tell me about the abuse and lies they were suffering at the hands of this “trans dom.”

This behavior cannot be respected, no matter who it is, and I was very vocal in my belief that they should spend time away from this person as safely and slowly as they could make it happen. They unfortunately felt otherwise, because I was not trans or non-binary, and they were enthralled by the power of this trans dom’s kink play. Everyone has their irresistible attractions, and this was one for them that I couldn’t fight.

Worried about a relationship you are in? A friend? Check for these 64 Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse.

It took over a year for this person to let go of their toxic connection to this trans dom, and longer to come and tell me. This is a delicate topic, and I wish everyone the best. But nobody should have to suffer the manipulations of this type of person. They should get help, so they never have to lie.

Addi Stewart

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