Transgender Love: Now What?

Whether you’re looking for long-lasting love, or you fell into bed for hot sex and found yourself thinking about her day and night, love can be tricky business for anyone.

Here are some considerations to reflect on.

Are the circumstances conducive to making a go of it?

It’s true that true love tends to find us when we aren’t expecting it, but that doesn’t mean that love conquers all.

Maybe there are no obstacles in your path.

But if you fall in love with a t-girl you meet in a hotel bar in Shanghai on a business trip, and you’re already married with five kids, and live in Montreal, it’s possible that all the love in the world isn’t going to make it possible for you to be together.

I’m a big romantic and think the best love stories are worth fighting for, but I’m also a realist,and know that the thrill can wear off fast when it comes to bills and leaving others that you love behind. Take your time to think carefully.

What will it cost her? Or you?

The price you pay for love might be worth it hands down.

But what will it cost her? Before making any big changes, consider the toll it would take on her.

An ex of mine, also a trans admirer, is a vet in a rural county. He could care less about what people think and is ready for his girlfriend to move from Portland. But her safety net and resources are there. If she moves across the country to live on his farm, all she has is him. That might be enough for the time being, but when allies are hard to find, and you have built a community with trusted friends and other trans folks, it can be hard.

Your place or mine?

Love is wonderful, until it gets down to the nitty gritty. An admirer named Kevin who just broke up with his fiancée wasn’t able to work through this simple question.

First they lived at his house, which was fine with him. He felt there was lots of space and even though his family lived a few blocks over, they were all really close anyhow.

But Tabitha didn’t want to sell her condo. She had invested too much into it already. There wasn’t a lot of room there for both of them, but she was willing to make it work if he was. The problem was, it was really far from his work.

Should they pick one, keep both, or find a new place? Tough call.

Do you have a track record of standing up for her?

Going out with a beautiful trans woman with your friends is one thing, but are you able to stand for her in front of your family?

You can’t throw your mother or children under the bus either. They might be open minded, and the issues might not be about her being trans. Any new partner can be at odds on some fronts with their other loved ones.

Consider how to handle all the differences, and see what kind of solutions you can foresee for longer term conflicts.

There’s no need to assume there will be any… it’s just a good idea to cover the unexpected implications or needs of different loved ones, and whether they’re in harmony or something to work through.

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