How to Dominate without Being a Dom

Something I hear from both cis and trans women over and over when it comes to hookups is that men aren’t being dominant enough, that they’re too gentle, too effeminate or hypersensitive.

One gal pal of mine had a theory: men who are super respectful of women don’t know how to switch gears in the bedroom because they worry about offending or being accused of something. I think this could be the issue in some cases, but I also think that many guys don’t know how to be dominant, or don’t get that women want them to take charge.

Being dominant doesn’t mean wearing leather and carrying a whip, tying us up or spanking us if we misbehave. There’s nothing wrong with exploring, or living the BDSM lifestyle, but what I’m talking about is kink lite in comparison.

Dominant Moves in the Bedroom

Undress. Why oh why don’t more men take delight in removing women’s clothing? It’s hot as hell, guys… and it doesn’t take money, planning, or years of practice to be good at. Do it slow, at an appropriate time in the date, mix in some solid foreplay, and you will be a star.

Lift and Carry. I’ll never forget the first time a date picked me up and laid me down on the kitchen table to get busy. I felt like I was in my very own porno. Again, another easy trick, if size and strength permits, that will make a lasting impression.

Direct the Action. Taking charge isn’t about showing a woman who’s boss, it’s about showing her your confidence. This might include sexting her beforehand to share what you want to do with and to her. It could also be in the moment, directing her by saying things like, “Come here, turn over, lift your hips.”

Dive Right Down. More women perform oral on a first hookup than men, who often give the excuse of wanting to get to know her. Women know that there’s a large number of men who either just don’t know what they’re doing, or do it but suck at it (and not in a good way). If you dive right into her muff, or maybe cock, she will take notice… because it’s rarer than you think.

Talk Dirty. I have two solid tips for men who haven’t mastered the fine art of dirty talk. One, never ever get your tips from watching porn of any kind (or your moves for that matter). Two, take your cues from your lover as to how kinky or in what direction she wants to go with sultry conversation.

For me, being dominant in the bedroom boils down to making a woman feel sexy and desirable, and what trans woman doesn’t want to feel either of those things.

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