Do’s and Don’ts for Transgender Breakups

Breaking up with a romantic partner is a fact of life, but you can make the rite of passage less complicated and more friendly if you put your mind to it.

Try these do’s and don’ts for a smoother dissolution after the breakup with your transgender girlfriend.

DO own your decision, or accept hers.

If you decide to break up, don’t dwell on all the reasons you might have stayed together. You didn’t stay together.

Accept that there were amazing things about your transexual girlfriend and lots of reasons you were attracted to her or in love. But you chose to break it off, and there were reasons for that too.

If the choice was hers, respect it. Move on.

DON’T be consumed with rage.

Easier said than done if you are the one who has been wronged. If you have been lied to, cheated on, robbed in some way, betrayed, gossiped about, or lied about, you might find some eventual relief by understanding that your ex-girlfriend was troubled, not ready for a relationship, or struggling with identity issues or trauma.

It’s not about making excuses for bad behavior (hers or yours) but about setting you free to move on.

DO bear your part of the blame with dignity.

Most breakups are mutual affairs. Very seldom is the balance of blame all on one person. By acknowledging fairly your contribution to the situation, it’s easier to avoid the same mistakes in the future.

DON’T leave on hostile terms, even if the breakup was nasty and bitter.

Most breakups are a process, not a single event with zero contact ever again.

However terrible the blow up was, make sure you take responsibility and apologize for your share.

DO be civil.

The transgender and admirer community is a small world, online and off, and the last thing you want is your vindictive follow-up behavior broadcast to all future girlfriends, or to guys who feel very protective about vulnerable women being chased by pricks.

Be a gentleman, even after a blowout. You don’t have to have contact, but if you come into contact with her at the supermarket or dance club or a wedding or funeral for mutual friends—don’t be trouble, don’t be silent, don’t be mean, don’t be stupid, don’t ask her out again—just be respectful, polite, compassionate and neutral.

This is often the best route for life, in all kinds of situations. It’s not “grinning and bearing it.” It’s avoiding conflict and respecting the humanity of others, even if they didn’t respect yours. People change and if they don’t, you still make life easier for yourself by treating them civilly. That doesn’t mean grovelling or excusing bad behavior, it just means taking the higher road—others notice.

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