Love is a funny thing. We want relationships and passion and for heaven’s sake just a warm freaking body beside us who makes us not feel so damn lonely and lost in this mysterious, massive, misery-making world of ours. And it can’t always be our cat or our dog laying down beside us at night! It works for a while, but eventually the request for reciprocal communication sets in, and we want someone to speak back to us, not just “Ruff! Ruff!”
So, there’s a certain sacrifice we choose to make when we try to make this mating connection happen. We settle down in our desires and dreams on a certain level, and we sometimes seek a live-in partner who will fit pleasantly into our lives.
It’s not the easiest task to find someone to not only sleep with figuratively, but also literally. There are certain tropes and stereotypes and misunderstandings that exist by nature of human beings being so… human. And imperfect. And unique. And individual. And that goes for every type of person you could meet in every culture. It also applies to age, and work, and all kinds of other intriguing factors.
But there’s ONE underlying factor of a roommate that really shifts the tables and alters the foundation of the relationship. And that factor is: gender.
Living with men? Not to make stereotypes, but there ARE times where stereotypes aren’t far from the truth! Man caves are real! Hair in the sink is a real thing. And there are certain biological impulses and needs that are necessary fundamental truths in life that one cannot avoid, and they will factor in when you choose to share a space with someone else.
If one is living with a trans person, there are definite things that one will have to take into consideration to make it work!
The sexual situation is a personal scenario that is determined by you and your partner, and I would never presume to know what that requires, beyond understanding, compassion, space, time for reflection and growth, and a willingness to listen.
Your partner will probably ask for you to work on getting their pronouns right in small moments of living together. This requires more focus than ever before. It’s not for occasional visits, it’s for every minute of the day. Your partner will also ask for emotional support more consistently, since you will be there with them at the end of the work day. It won’t be just phone calls, texts, Facetime, Zoom conversations that keep you connected anymore.
They might have dietary needs that are to be honored. They probably will have medical needs they want you to know about and understand. And they certainly will have emotional needs that you need to be there to help with. And these important things you can offer, besides your loving body, some arms to lay down inside, and some sexy hot passion in between.
Being there for your trans partner during transition or a time of crisis is a serious responsibility. And if you are given the chance, then please honor that blessing. I’ve had the joy of living with someone not considered man or woman, and it was a special time in my life. We did things like never before, we went places I’d never gone to, and I experienced a special one-of-a kind bliss that hasn’t been felt since.
Cherish the new found intimacy that happens when you choose to live with your trans partner, but make sure you don’t lose yourself in the process. No relationship is all about one person, it’s always about everyone. But also, it’s about respecting them at the same damn time, because you ain’t gonna be happy forgetting their pronouns after dinner!
Love,
Addi Stewart
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