Working Relationships with Transgender Ex-Partners

Doing sex work has taught me a whole lot of things that I never in a billion years thought I would ever be thinking about. When I was sixteen, I just didn’t have transgender reality on my mental horizon.

I only heard the word “transvestite” in the 80s. I was attracted and intrigued by the ambiguity and gender fluidity that the word flirted with. There wasn’t much respectful and honest dialogue with anyone in the trans community back in the day, so more than half of what you learned was based on stereotypes, hearsay, and gossip mixed in with a tiny bit of factual data.

I stayed on the path and remained dedicated to learning about new levels of sexuality and communities doing interesting and arousing things. And then I met people with whom I began doing interesting and arousing things! Life got really insightful because the limitations of reality came crashing down on my fantasies.

Not everyone gets along with everyone in every way, and that’s for the benefit of balancing humanity best. If everyone liked everyone equally, we’d be the Borg from Star Trek: The Next Generation. No emotion would stand out in any way different from any other emotion—this would make life suck like a bag of assholes in space.

I recently become an ex-sexual partner of a non-binary person, and it’s been enlightening. We sometimes have to spend time together in work and acquaintance capacities, and even though there is warm compassion still there for each other, there is no sexual tension or desire to reunite for the sake of old times.

My ex-lover and I filmed a porn movie, when we were a couple, that we haven’t seen yet. When it comes out I believe they may feel awkward, but that’s the risk one takes being a sex worker, doing porn, having professional sexual relationships, and doing kink on camera.

It can take a year or two for the pictures to be developed. Will you still going to be respectful with that person in the future? One can only hope so, because from personal motherfucking experience: being a cis-gendered male having a business argument with a non-binary, femme-presenting person is NOT an easy situation to solve in any way, shape or form! But it can be done, with tons of faith and twice as much love.

Addi Stewart

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