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Risking Trust in Transgender Connections

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The heteronormative world of sexuality and relationships has tainted, spoiled. and hidden a totally relevant, actual and meaningful factor of human connections and non-monogamous bonding truths.

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There are so many relationships and situations that are lost in the wind, floating in space and just confused for direction because they are receiving so many mixed messages and deal with so much unpacked baggage. But it doesn’t stop many, many people from doing all they can to connect joyfully and sexually on any other level they can. But… what is that risk factor?

There’s a certain factor of gambling and trust that any human has to have to connect to another… but the risk factor for a trans person to connect to ANY other human, least of all hopefully trans, is seriously high (as the media has repeatedly and tragically reminded us time and time again, with cisgender heteronormative males) and problematic obstacle in the forming of relationships and intimacy.

How much trust does a trans person need to cultivate, to create, and to enter a relationship with someone? Has anyone not trans actually stopped and thought about that for a second? And taken in how severe the consequences can be for a trans person choosing the wrong person?

I hadn’t fully taken stock of it on the complete level it exists until I thought, hey, have I ever stopped and worried that telling a person I’m dating one of my deepest secrets, would result in violence? Have I ever had to worry about that?” And knowing that my answer is a resounding, hell to the no, I realize I’ve never reflected on how much trust, hope, faith, and risk any and every trans person has in their heart when they enter the dating scene.

I know I make it as safe as possible for them to reveal anything they want to me, and I NEVER respond violently or negatively when a trans person reveals their pronouns and preferences to me… but I can’t put a glowing sign over my head that says “non-racist/non-transphobic/non-sexist cool guy here” and think everything will be all good.

I just have to keep my eyes open, my heart open, my mind open, and my intentions pure. I have no idea how much mystery there may exist in someone else’s mind as far as my personality, but there is rarely ever any mystery as to what my gender is, and I can’t know how hard it is to navigate that discrepancy.

I have a trans partner who I am having some random fun with, and I was with them before when they were still gendering themselves as a woman, and now that they do not identify with being a woman anymore, they are shifting who they can tell and what they can tell, but I have already been “vetted” so to speak, and I have seen them choose to withhold certain details about their transition for the sake of their own private safety.

I’ve never known what that’s like, also since my being black is easy to spot, ha. Trust is something we have to grow like a delicate flower every day and in every situation we share with people we want to be intimate with… and it’s not easy. Never. So please be gentle with everyone.

Humbly,
Addi Stewart

Tell us what you think! 2 Comments

  1. Charles

    August 1, 2019 at 2:07 pm

    Thanks for another interesting article, though it’s sad that your points have to be repeated. As a cis-het guy who adores ALL women, I hope to make anyone feel safe and supported with me, from first meeting to commited LTR. I sincerely hope more people do the same.

  2. jane don

    August 3, 2019 at 10:56 am

    Being Black you already know how dangerous the world “can” be. Trans just adds to the complications. Now there are also Black folks you’re not sure you can trust as well, but that happens no matter what color a person is when you are “different.” Humans, from the beginning, have established Tribes, and for the most part they did’t accept people who were different… much the same as our closest relative, Chimpanzees. Accepting differences is learned, not natural, so it’s a societal thing – it has to be taught. North American Indians were at one time pretty accepting of differences until European religion got in the way. The only thing people can do is educate others that differences are not to be feared, mind you, we have to show by example (be the person we want others to be. We can’t be saying things like “THOSE” people (Muslim/Hindu or whatever). Teach by example.

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