Intimacy During and After Transgender Transition

What limit is too far for someone to seek their own desires? We are going to hopefully, eventually live in a world where certain privileged folks from certain insulated industries aren’t allowed to manipulate and exploit and abuse others for the sake of their personal pleasure and sexual satisfaction, and the borders and limits of their desires and attempted intentions will remain curtailed and controlled to civilized levels.

Some people, I would sincerely bet most of the dirty money in the world upon them being primarily heterosexual (but not absolutely all, as anyone can be a criminal and hurt another person, even trans folks… but they are far more rare. I digress!) will push their every possibility to capture sexual moments from another.

The vast majority of trans people who I’ve encountered have not been anywhere near the typical social standard of the average male, as far as identifying as the initiator of sexual circumstance.

I don’t know how many women are the people who instigate and emotionally engage with men (or trans, or women), but I know women have their own internal complications which require their own hyper focus and attempts at pseudo-comprehension when arranging situations with other women!

I know women instigate intimacy and emotional energy when they feel MOST safe to do so, and when they trust that it will not be a dysfunctional or damaging situation for them. But we are still probably centuries away from ACTUAL energetic equality of instigation, and considering climate change is going to wipe out whatever we have left of the planet in the next fifty years, we probably won’t create sexual initiation equality in our civilization’s lifetime. But we can still TRY!

I have a trans lover, and they have just finished a particular stage of their transition. They have taken hormones for three months now and have decided to be intimate again. They are letting people in the public know about their transitional period, and what new name and pronouns they would like to be known as.

They let me know that they were interested in reconnecting intimately, and I was at a crossroads that I’ve never known before. I had to ask myself where I was, how I felt emotionally and sexually. I’ve had sex with them, but before the transition. I have been with someone who transitioned, but I didn’t re-engage with them after they transitioned. We only hung out as friends, as they didn’t want to continue our relationship.

But now I AM with someone who does want to re-engage with me after their transition, and I’m not scared, but I’m just wondering what the protocol is for such a situation. I definitely am a believer in “follow your heart and trust your instincts” but that doesn’t answer all the questions that a person might have about safety and what other collective human wisdom has been gained and shared in the past from other folks who have been in such similar scenarios! I don’t know.

I don’t want to make them self-conscious or delay their desires for any unnecessary reason, but at the same time I have to respect my innocence in the moment, and the fact that I don’t want to make an irrational decision by rushing myself. I feel ready, but I don’t know until l’m in the moment. I feel ready and willing and able, but if my partner is more able, willing, and ready than I am, what will that do to our relationship?

Guess there’s only one way to find out! I’m happy they feel confident enough to initiate a new chapter of passion with me though! Stories to come…

Addi Stewart

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