I Carry a Torch for my Trans Ex-Lover

Conditions of Reconnections and Disconnections

It’s hard to put this next idea in words, but I’m going to make an attempt. It comes from a mix of personal experience and psychological introspection.

I was at a kink event recently, and had just entered with a lover of mine. It was great fun, and the vibe was decent. I was seeing some friends and co-workers in various capacities, and nothing was amiss. I was in a good place, and so was my lover.

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Then out of nowhere, I saw another former partner of mine, someone who I was slightly intimate with but didn’t have sex with… even though I wanted to… and still want to, naked truth be told. But I didn’t really know the extent of this person’s feelings for me, and I didn’t know that this moment was not the moment to even think about it, due to the circumstances.

I had separated from this trans person a few years ago because life was crazy, and I had gone through some turmoil in my family. When I reached out, they had just gone through some physical situations themselves, and I gave them space. It was a mutual understanding—nothing personal and nothing negative. But we had drifted apart.

And then I saw them at this event, out of the blue. And lo and behold, there’s those feelings again that had not been dealt with completely. And here I am, with a current lover, introducing her to my trans friend who I was once intimate with.

I was oblivious to how the trans person would feel about meeting a partner of mine, and I made the stupid-ass mistake of apologizing for not reaching out and reconnecting to them.

They were civil enough about it and were kind enough to greet my lover, but they walked away soon after without saying much. I felt a reaction. I then thought, why the hell would they be happy to meet my new lover if they’re still unresolved with me… and apparently and ostensibly are not even poly like me?

This all came to my mind after the damage had been done. I wanted to apologize, but then felt it would make it worse. I didn’t see them for the rest of the night, but the lesson had been learned, and I was thankful my lover also said to me after they met the trans person, “They weren’t happy.”

Of course they weren’t. Relationships require a different approach for many trans folks, and I was not as cognisant of the bigger picture as I could have been. It was all new to me, and many things still are. I should have kept it much more friendly.

If I want to confess my deeper emotions to this trans lover again… it needs to be on the phone or on a date to reconnect with them again, not through a random meeting in public.

Love and learn,
Addi Stewart

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