My Trans Girlfriend Doesn’t Like to Be on Top

I got a note about a horny young guy who is having the time of his life dating a wonderful transgender woman. The sex is bone rattling, except for one thing.

“Mindy does not like to be on top. She just won’t. I haven’t made an issue of it, and I understand most women don’t want to be on top ALL the time, but as part of a repertoire of possibilities, with so many positions, I’m wondering why she never climbs aboard. I’ve left it to chance, and then I’ve indicated that I’d love for her to ride me, and then I’ve just tried to let it be playful while we are fooling around and not having intercourse. At first I thought it was just chance, but now it’s starting to feel like some kind of statement.”

Keith is not aware of the fact that “not topping” is a “thing” for some transgender women. And maybe you’re not either.

For some transgender women, being on top is too fraught with political or symbolic meaning that feels traumatic, disruptive, or uncomfortable. They may be committed to avoiding it for personal reasons that are political, or political reasons that are personal.

In other words, Girl on Top is a no-go zone for some trans women.

(I insert here an obligatory disclaimer that not all T-girls have the same needs, concerns, feelings, or perspectives, and lest this be misinterpreted, I am NOT implying that ALL trans girls don’t like to be on top. Lots do. We are talking about those who don’t.)

Simply put, being on top can be too familiar from their efforts to inhabit the body they were assigned to at birth, and it carries residual pain and discomfort.

Female Symbolism

They may feel disconnected from their femininity, or simply not want to conjure up the maleness implied by topping.

Choosing or Using Her Penis

Those trans women who are pre-operative or non-op may choose to use her penis or not, and that is a separate but related issue from topping. For those who want to penetrate you, doing so from beneath can feel more feminine to her. Or she may want to be penetrated and leave her penis out of the picture entirely, or use it without intercourse.

Pain from Porn

Topping in popular “shemale” porn might be hot, but it comes with all kinds of fictions and for some trans women, that might be why she’s not into playing that part.

The storyline in too much “tranny surprise” porn in how a guy was “tricked” by a “chick with a dick” and ended up being topped by “tranny cock.”

There is no need to feel guilty about politically incorrect pornography or desire—from women fantasizing about stranger rape to straight dudes taking it up the ass by a hot t-girl. Just remember that pornography does not reflect reality, and the real people are your main concern.

Girl on Top for True Love Only

Some trans women won’t top hookup guys in order to avoid “tranny chasers” and fair weather friends. In a long-term relationship, where true intimacy is the goal and a woman is less afraid of being fetishized or exploited, the same t-girl may enjoy more versatility.

“Once I see that this is not just a man’s fantasy of being freaky, that he values me as a whole person and my sexuality as something for him to be part of and give to, I can be more vulnerable and versatile,” my transgender friend Ami says.

Communicate with Her about Her Needs and Desires

How will Keith know what motivates his girlfriend’s discomfort or refusal to get on top? There’s no way to know unless he asks her.

If you have noticed something about your partner sexually, you can guess, but the most intimate and loving thing you can do—and the hottest—is to communicate with her to, well, to get to the bottom of it.

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