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She Has a Penis, but She Doesn’t Want Sex

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Dear Jamie,

A beautiful t-girl is the love of my life. She is part of everything, from family holidays, my kids’ lives, and we want to marry.

Discover beautiful trans women now at TSmeet.com!

The problem is sex. We’re intimate cuddling and fondling and holding hands, but we don’t have sex.

Helen was waiting until sexual reassignment surgery. I understood that it might be a long time after the surgery because it takes time for a new vagina to heal and for dilation to make it functional without causing pain. I’ve been willing to wait.

I’ve also been willing to be together just as things are now. I have never been with a woman with a penis before Helen, but I have been with transgender women in the past as well as cis. I’m willing to learn what I need to give her pleasure and receive it just the way she is now. Helen said she’d rather wait because her penis never really felt like part of her.

Now Helen won’t be going through with SRS. She understandably doesn’t want the pain and constant dilating. She said she doesn’t need an artificial vagina to prove to herself she’s a woman.

I’m confused by the back and forth. I’m also horny! Is that so terrible? I’m happy to make love the way things are, or post SRS, so I’m starting to think her sexual intimacy issues run deeper. What do I do? – Warren, 36

Dear Warren,

Thanks for an honest, caring letter.  I don’t have a magic solution for you, sorry.

Sexuality can be complicated for trans women. When you’re socialized as a man but don’t feel connected to male parts, responding sexually with what you have already feels dissociative to many trans people.

And there’s no guarantee for how the new equipment is going to drive. Most transgender women orgasm just fine with the new vagina, but it’s not just about the mechanics. It’s all the years of being caught in between, being raised the wrong gender, not experiencing puberty as your true gender.

I showed your letter to my happily married TS friend Janet.

She says, “I have sympathy for Helen. Many transgender women live with hormones alone, or none, because treatment is invasive. For many trans, sexuality is cerebral and above the waist kind, and it can be hard to change what you’re used to.”

Janet continues, “I also have empathy for you. You’re willing to accept her body any way it comes, but you’re human and require sexual intimacy. There has to be some compromise.”

Janet explains that between gender dysphoria and hormones, Helen’s penis may never be part of sex. “But you also have a penis. You need to talk honestly about your needs. If she is never willing to pleasure you, there is a larger problem and she should seek counsel. If she isn’t interested in sex, she has no business being involved with a man who is.”

Janet suggests there are lots of ways to play—masturbating while you fondle and suck her breasts, receiving oral from her, humping and rubbing together even if she wants to leave her panties on. Basically all the hot ways teenagers couple when the girl doesn’t yet want to take off her knickers!

You might both consider an open relationship, where you fulfill your sex needs outside of your marriage.

Find out if and when sex will ever be part of the relationship, and go from there.

Janet says, “She may simply be afraid to take the plunge—it’s possible she has never been intimate sexually.”

Good luck, Warren!

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